I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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