Yo dont text me then not text me
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
