Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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