Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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