the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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