Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
