my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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