She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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