I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I pour the whiskey from now on
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
