i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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