I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
