I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
