if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
