why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
