If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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