I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
