You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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