Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
