He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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