I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
