i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
