please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
