I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
