I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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