and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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