omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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