I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
