So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
