yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
