'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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