I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
