If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
