i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
