i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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