i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
