when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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