I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
