Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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