i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
