I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
