why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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