When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
