christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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