when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
