I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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