you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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