How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
this hospital has no fireball
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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