You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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