i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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