is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
